A Conversation with God
“So there I was watching this donkey staring over its barn door, ruminating as
usual, when suddenly - wham!
Enlightenment.
(The donkey’s, of course). Within a moment it
was all clear: the meaning of life, the path to happiness, the future... the
whole kaboodle. The path to enlightenment , of course, requires asceticism and quiet
meditation, and few people had what it takes the way this donkey had it.
“However, I immediately foresaw
a few problems with this situation. Enlightenment is obviously something to be
shared. But in this case, how would the word be spread
to my chosen people? Language barrier, species barrier… and, I am embarrassed
to admit, quite a big dose of prejudice on their part. Especially against donkeys.
So there I was, trying to bless the animal, give a sign of some kind. Or at least an acknowledgement. You know, like, "Well done!" or
something. And also, "Over here everyone! Just ask the donkey!" Blessed be its name. Not that it had a name. Yet.
“I then realised there was
another problem – because even if somehow the word spread from donkey to
person, some guy who walks round the corner from his home and says, "Hey,
this donkey's got it! We should all do
as it says!" isn't going to get too far.
At least not unaccompanied. Especially not if it's his
donkey. We've all seen that one before.
“But there were three guys I
knew who seemed quite open minded, and they also lived a way away, which seemed
good - you know the definition of an expert as being someone who is from out of
town. So I popped a few thoughts into
their heads, and arranged for a supernova to go off at the right place in the
past (much easier than bringing a comet in especially), and sure enough, the next
thing I knew they'd hopped onto their camels, told their wives to hold all
calls, and they were off. (Well, yes, you may well ask. I said these guys were pretty open minded,
and its true, relatively speaking, but even for them
the pursuit of truth was considered strictly a man's business.)
“So there they were, caravanning
through the desert - no need for night stops courtesy of the nova and their
ability to doze while riding (they took turns on the Dromedaries) -
“What's that, a question? Oh, well obviously, yes, you want to know if
it was so bloody important to me why didn't I just whisk them over there? Omnipotent and all that. Purple smoke optional extra. Why bother with them at all, for that matter, why not just let
the donkey talk? Well let's not go
there! Tried that once... Moving on, you'll probably ask why not just plant all
that enlightenment stuff directly into the heads of the chosen people? Direct, easy, quick, you may say. But there are issues - faith to be tested,
free will to be exercised. You see the problem?
Well, that's just one of the problems.
“Another one is: once you’ve started,
where does it stop? Some kid has a crisis of faith and wants you to materialise
a bicycle, in return for their soul and a lifetime of devotion and
service. Pretty tempting you may
say. Souls are what I'm after, after
all, so what is just one bicycle? Well
it's not just one bicycle. You think
some kid's going to keep quiet about something like that? An hour later I'm going to have a thousand
kids on their knees trying to outdo each other to demonstrate their faith, or
need, or both. What could I do? A bicycle for all? Or just for the most ardent maybe? Oh no.
Selection of the fittest and all that. Of the craziest, more like. And these days with CNN, I just shudder to
think - there'd be millions of the blighters within twenty minutes. Not to mention their parents. "Hey,
where'dyou get that bicycle?" "God gave it to me
Dad, honest!" "Oh
you..." Whack! You get the picture.
Bittersweet.
But not very viable. Besides, then how would I ever be able to get
away? No, I've found that the best approach
is to do the least possible. And you can
trust me, I've got a lot of experience with this
stuff.
“So anyway….back to the three guys. Despite all the haste it still
takes the three of them three days (coincidence, rest assured) to get
there. It wasn't my bloody fault that
meanwhile two other buggers came and made themselves at home there. And one of them pregnant what's more! Very pregnant. But not for long. Thing was, the usual places were all full -
some kind of festival or something I suppose, I forget what. So next thing, without so
much as a ‘by your leave’, the whole icky side of the birth thing was
happening…thank God for all that straw there.
Well. You know what I mean. But
by the time the three guys pitched up to see what all the commotion was about, all
was cleaned up and happy. Contented
mother, proud father etc. And in the background?
Yes, the donkey, with an expression of sublime knowledge and
contentment, but did they notice it? Oh no,
not these wise guys. All they could
stare at as they came through the barn door was the damn baby. An arresting sight I must concede, as it was
at that moment undergoing its very first nappy change, and chooses, with a
remarkable sense of timing, that very second to send an arc of yellow fluid
into the air. It was glowing as it
caught the light. Holy
water maybe, in a way. But not holy light. Just sunlight from one of the narrow windows. So these schmucks fell to their knees and
said something like, "We've have been brought by a sign from the
Lord" or somesuch. And the new
parents, you ask, what did they do?
Well, at first, naturally, their inclination was towards honesty:
"No, not us, kind sirs. I think you
must be mistaken. Perhaps it's someone else in here?" But after a moment’s reflection, and a glance
at the rich fabric of their visitors' clothing, they decided that each to his
own, who are we to impose our reality on others etc. etc., and they looked downwards
demurely so that they could sneak a glance through the door at the bulging gift
bags hanging from the camels.
“So anyway. I got so angry I lost
concentration for a moment, and the supernova shifts back to its natural spot
in time – which meant that to them it just dissappeared. They take this as confirmation of course, the
schlimmels. Well you can imagine, at this
point I was so disgusted that I just about didn't want anything to do with the
lot of them, chosen or not, the shifty predjudiced patriachal call-holding
donkey-ignoring swines. No, no, not good
enough to show them where to find all the answers. To get it through to them I
would have to wrap enlightment around a stick and shove... well, anyway. Its not seemly for
me to talk like that. But I was pretty pissed
off at the time. Really. So I yelled "Christ, you're dumb!"
but I was sort of choking as I said it so I suppose it wasn’t too clear. And maybe with the spitting etc. the 'you're
dumb' could have sounded a bit like 'is come'.
A bit. Anyway,
at the sound of my heavenly voice they all fell to their knees, and went and
named the kid based on that. I ask you.
I could see at this point that I was doing no good hanging around, so I
decided to give myself some time off in the Peladies to to cool down. Just a few thousand years is usually all I
need, and when I return it's a whole batch of fresh faces and I'm back on the
job full of compassion and chutzpa.
I did, of course, deal with the
whole episode before I left. As one last little duty, I found the local ruler
chappie and got the idea solidly into his head to stomp pretty hard on any
movement or whatever that could possibly emerge from this whole debacle. Just a precaution. You don't come as far as I have by ignoring
the details, oh no.
So anyway, I suppose I really should make a turn
there soon to see how things are going.
But talk talk ... even Gods get tired you
know. That's enough already, for
now! Goodbye.
Bless you!